INT. RONI HICKS - ROB'S OFFICE - DAY.
ROB sits at his desk, Christmas music plays quietly from his laptop. ROB (fluffy, early to mid thirties, messy hair). GEORGE (forties, cuddly, bear of a man, longish hair) is putting golf balls into a golf ball return. Muffled music begins playing, it's "Where is my mind" from the Pixies.
ROB is sitting at his desk, working on the computer. He is answering emails, surfing the web, etc. MELISSA (late 20's, gorgeous) walks by the computer, and glances at the screen.
ROB sits at his desk, Christmas music plays quietly from his laptop. ROB (fluffy, early to mid thirties, messy hair). GEORGE (forties, cuddly, bear of a man, longish hair) is putting golf balls into a golf ball return. Muffled music begins playing, it's "Where is my mind" from the Pixies.
ROB
That's the lil wifey calling (to GEORGE).
ROB answers his cell phone.
Yo.
MELISSA
Hey.
ROB
How's it going?
MELISSA
Fine. Tired.
ROB
Feelin' any better?
MELISSA
A little. My throat doesn't hurt as much, but
I'm still sneezing like nuts.
ROB
That sucks, I'm sorry. At least you're throat is better.
How's the little Peanut? Did you guys sleep okay?
I didn't wake you up when I left did I?
MELISSA
No, we slept pretty good, actually. That medicine
kinda knocked me out a little, I think. P is good,
just chillin' on me right now, slobbering through
another outfit—her third today already.
ROB
Awesome.
MELISSA
Oh, by the way, is Mark Bangerter your art director
friend who got that job in New York?
ROB
Yeah. Well, it's in Boston, but yeah. Why?
MELISSA
Well, I think you've been cheating on me
with a mistress, and he knows her.
Her name is Tiffany, isn't it?
ROB
(pause)
Huh?
MELISSA
Well, Mark's wedding announcement just
showed up in the mail, but it was addressed to
Rob and Tiffany Atkinson
ROB
Huh. That's random. Who's Tiffany?
MELISSA
(obviously kidding, but playing jealous)
That's what I'd like to know!
I think it's your secret mistress, and now
the cat's out of the bag.
ROB
If I did have a mistress named Tiffany,
I don't know how Mark would know her,
he lives 3000 miles away. Plus, I would think
that he would have known not to send her
mail to my house. I've told him not to do that.
MELISSA
Well, you're busted.
ROB
Damn. I'm caught, you got me.
MELISSA
So, who is Tiffany?
ROB
I haven't a clue. I've never even been
out with anyone named Tiffany.
Not even on a first date.
MELISSA
All right, I'll let you off this time, you're lucky.
ROB
Thanks for not leaving me. You're a peach.
Love you.
MELISSA.
Love you too. Barely.
That's the lil wifey calling (to GEORGE).
ROB answers his cell phone.
ROB
MELISSA
Hey.
ROB
How's it going?
MELISSA
Fine. Tired.
ROB
Feelin' any better?
MELISSA
A little. My throat doesn't hurt as much, but
I'm still sneezing like nuts.
ROB
That sucks, I'm sorry. At least you're throat is better.
How's the little Peanut? Did you guys sleep okay?
I didn't wake you up when I left did I?
MELISSA
No, we slept pretty good, actually. That medicine
kinda knocked me out a little, I think. P is good,
just chillin' on me right now, slobbering through
another outfit—her third today already.
ROB
Awesome.
MELISSA
Oh, by the way, is Mark Bangerter your art director
friend who got that job in New York?
ROB
Yeah. Well, it's in Boston, but yeah. Why?
MELISSA
Well, I think you've been cheating on me
with a mistress, and he knows her.
Her name is Tiffany, isn't it?
ROB
(pause)
Huh?
MELISSA
Well, Mark's wedding announcement just
showed up in the mail, but it was addressed to
Rob and Tiffany Atkinson
ROB
Huh. That's random. Who's Tiffany?
MELISSA
(obviously kidding, but playing jealous)
That's what I'd like to know!
I think it's your secret mistress, and now
the cat's out of the bag.
ROB
If I did have a mistress named Tiffany,
I don't know how Mark would know her,
he lives 3000 miles away. Plus, I would think
that he would have known not to send her
mail to my house. I've told him not to do that.
MELISSA
Well, you're busted.
ROB
Damn. I'm caught, you got me.
MELISSA
So, who is Tiffany?
ROB
I haven't a clue. I've never even been
out with anyone named Tiffany.
Not even on a first date.
MELISSA
All right, I'll let you off this time, you're lucky.
ROB
Thanks for not leaving me. You're a peach.
Love you.
MELISSA.
Love you too. Barely.
INT. ATKINSON HOME - FAMILY ROOM - NIGHT.
ROB is sitting at his desk, working on the computer. He is answering emails, surfing the web, etc. MELISSA (late 20's, gorgeous) walks by the computer, and glances at the screen.
MELISSA
Ha, I knew it, you do know a Tiffany! (Pointing at computer screen).
Ha, I knew it, you do know a Tiffany! (Pointing at computer screen).
Located on the screen is not only an email from a Tiffany Christensen, but also, ROB had just finished replying to said email. TIFFANY is ROB'S cousin. Well, not really. TIFFANY'S parents and ROB'S parents went to college together about 48 years ago, and have been best friends ever since. The families are so tight, that they call each other aunt, uncle, cousin, etc.
MELISSA
See, it's all true, you have a mistress named Tiffany.
You lied to me you sonofabitch.
Who is Tiffany Christensen?
ROB
My cousin. You know, Sid and Brad's sister?
MELISSA
Yeah, sure. But she's not really your cousin!
ROB
Yep, you're right, Sherlock Holmes, you've figured me out.
I do have a mistress named Tiffany.
My cousin Tiffany. And she just emailed me for
our address so she could send you and I her family's
Christmas card. It all adds up. Once again. I'm busted.
Damn, woman, you're too good.
THE END
See, it's all true, you have a mistress named Tiffany.
You lied to me you sonofabitch.
Who is Tiffany Christensen?
ROB
My cousin. You know, Sid and Brad's sister?
MELISSA
Yeah, sure. But she's not really your cousin!
ROB
Yep, you're right, Sherlock Holmes, you've figured me out.
I do have a mistress named Tiffany.
My cousin Tiffany. And she just emailed me for
our address so she could send you and I her family's
Christmas card. It all adds up. Once again. I'm busted.
Damn, woman, you're too good.
THE END
So, the moral of the story is, if your friend is going get you in trouble by revealing your fake mistress to your wife, make sure that your fake mistress ends up being your fake cousin. Got it? Good.
It's funny to me that my friend somehow thought my wife's name was Tiffany, even though he's met her three or four times. Granted it's been three years or so since Mark was at our house, but still. However, I assume it was an honest mistake, like when you're writing or typing one name, but happen to look at or hear another at the same time, so you write/type the wrong one. I'm going to give him (or his fiance) the benefit of the doubt. Plus, look on the bright side, if the mistake hadn't been made, then I wouldn't have had this slightly fun, slightly boring little screenplay to write, and you wouldn't have wasted the last 45 minutes of your day reading it. To me that's a brightside, you may feel different.
Whatever.
Oh yeah, by the way, here is the envelope, in case you all needed to see the offending evidence.
Envelope.jpg
It's funny to me that my friend somehow thought my wife's name was Tiffany, even though he's met her three or four times. Granted it's been three years or so since Mark was at our house, but still. However, I assume it was an honest mistake, like when you're writing or typing one name, but happen to look at or hear another at the same time, so you write/type the wrong one. I'm going to give him (or his fiance) the benefit of the doubt. Plus, look on the bright side, if the mistake hadn't been made, then I wouldn't have had this slightly fun, slightly boring little screenplay to write, and you wouldn't have wasted the last 45 minutes of your day reading it. To me that's a brightside, you may feel different.
Whatever.
Oh yeah, by the way, here is the envelope, in case you all needed to see the offending evidence.
Envelope.jpg
2 comments:
At least your name was right. We received a Christmas letter - not a card, a letter - from my UNCLE and instead of George and Tina it started Don and Lisa. No way to turn that into a sexy little spat with the wife. Hmmm, I guess I could be Don and she could be Lisa...
Whoops. Sorry about that. I thought you'd have come clean by now.
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