To wrap up, I went from 125 to 145 to 175 in about 12 years. Then, in a matter of 12 months, I went from 175 to 215+. What gives? How does that even happen? I know my wedding ring doesn't weigh 40 pounds. At least I'm pretty sure it doesn't, so why did I gain all that weight only after I got married?
People say that you start eating bigger, more steady meals when your spouse cooks for you. Okay, I guess I did get more consistent meals every night, but in all honesty, I would think that would be better for you. When I was single, I ate fast food for lunch and fast food for dinner. Every day. You can't possibly get any more unhealthy than that, unless you go to 7-11 in the morning for a 32 ounce Coke and delicious double chocolate donut (oh, wait, I did that once or twice a week). So why didn't I get fat as a single guy, yet the second I get married I start putting on the pounds like I was in some sort of a pie eating contest?
A good question that I may have figured out. Are you ready for my theory? At long last, here it is:
God wanted me to get married. Think about it. I really don't have that much going for me. Every day I assume that my wifey, the lovely Miss Melissa will wake up and realize that she is with a total loser. She already does this, but I think out of sheer laziness, she decides to give it one more day. So, many moons ago, the Big Man upstairs looked at me and said to himself, "If I don't keep this idiot skinny, he'll never get married. He needs at least that much."
That's right, it was divine intervention. He was fighting off those Spicy Chicken Sandwiches from Wendy's, the Whoppers from BK, the Sourdough Bacon Classics from Carl's Jr; not to mention the gallons of Coca-Cola I poured down my throat every week. It turns out I had a lot of help.
Then, only after I suckered Melissa into marrying me did all that help disappear. It's almost like He said, "All right, I got you this far, you're on your own." And the floodgates opened up, causing my waistline to advance faster than the Nazis as they tore through Europe. I couldn't help it, especially sleeping in, going to work, then coming home and sitting on the couch. All of a sudden that sedentary life caught up, since I had no more help from above.
Let me interject something here, before I offend some readers out there. (are there any readers out there?) I am in no way judging people who are overweight. I used to be overweight, so I know it is not a fun thing to go through. So I don't want to come across as someone who just thinks that skinny is the only way to be, or that only skinny people will get married. Not the case at all. It's just a humorous theory that my brain concocted one day, when trying to explain my Oprah-like weight fluctuations.
Now, back to the story. Some of you may have a few questions, such as why do other people gain weight before marriage? Or, why are there lucky bastards out there who never gain weight their entire life (I'm thinking of you McHenry family)? Maybe those people just have more going for them than me, or maybe they paid someone off at the right time, I don't know.Solid questions, all of them. But I don't have the answers to those, I just have the answer to the question of why I all of sudden gained a lot of weight all at once. Although those questions might be answered in the same place—up above. Maybe somehow it's all part of a big plan. I don't get it. Don't get mad at me, I didn't make these rules.
If you disagree, I'd love to hear about it. Tell me your theories. If you agree, I'd love to hear that too. All I know is that I went from looking like this: RobandCourt007.jpg, to looking like this, RobandCourt008.jpg in a matter of months, and this seems to be the only answer out there.
Tune in next week for the exciting conclusion of Weighty Issues…
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